thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize