I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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