So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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