why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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