There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
