Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
