I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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