How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
