cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
