I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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