as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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