Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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