I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
