Small penises have feelings too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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