New low: just hacked my moms facebook
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
