Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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