my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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