Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
