I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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