rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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