My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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