I could have mohawked her pubes.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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