don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
