My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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