I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
