That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
