I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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