Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
