I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm too high and old for this...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
