I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
