there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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