i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
