my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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