I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
