I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
