I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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