I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
