The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
