I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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