So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i think im in europe. pls send help
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
