i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
