Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
