the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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