you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
