I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
