Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I had to cum in my sink.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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