dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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