I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
