I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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