You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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