I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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