did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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