no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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