its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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