What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
