I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
